Sunday, 30 June 2013

June 30 Sunday Sermon

Photo of The Day: Handwriting: Take a photo of handwriting. Maybe you’ll have to step away from the computer and pick up a pen!
Food Journal Aug 01, 08


This is a new idea of mine... but it turns out I'm not ready to begin just yet. In my head I created a Concept called "The Church of Kindness" after watching some videos and reading some stuff about Random Acts of Kindness and how they may be what we need to save ourselves from greed and corruption. I have read a lot on the subject and participated in several programs for a few months. Then I got my diagnosis and just sort of went into a holding pattern, it seems to me that I need to think about it again, if only to stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Anyway I'm hoping to do a sermon type entry each week to expand on this concept for my own interest and maybe yours.

Saturday, 29 June 2013

June 29

Photo of The Day: In my bag: Let’s take a sneak peek into what you’re carrying around. No bag? Show us what’s in your wallet or pocket instead.

So I spent today with my oldest grandson, we walked a really long way to go to the Canoe Museum because I promised him we would. I ended up having two senior moments which prompted my daughter to join us with the youngest one. I should probably feel bad about that but I don't, it got her out of the house & away from the computer.

BTW if you happen to be up in my neck of the woods one day you really should check it out, along with the history of canoeing in Canada they also have some interesting displays including a preserving section and a textile section. The boys practically ran through the museum so I didn't get to see as much as I would have liked but it was worth the $10.50 CAD per adult admission fee. I did see an authentic tepee and a real birch bark canoe both of which I have wanted to see for a long time. Oh and one of the old old ones made from the trunk of a tree, the amount of work that went into making just one of those boggles the mind.

We went for breakfast at Cora's a restaurant, I've been dying to check out.  You have got to try one of their breakfast dishes, they are pretty to look at and delicious!


We were given the middle table, you know the one most people try to avoid. It was OK once you forgot the other people around you. The boys were actually pretty well behaved for a three and four year old and the waitress we had was pretty good though she got better after a group of her peers left. The meal for the four of us was around $45 CAD so it isn't the cheapest but I didn't mind paying for it, the food was that good.

I still haven't been able to find a staple gun to the palette garden has been delayed but on the upside four of the five tomato plants my son brought me are thriving and so is the plant I got from my grand-daughter, though it is going to need a new pot soon it is getting so big. I can't remember what it's called it's leaves are red & green. 

Then I came home and slept for a couple of hours and right now my legs are giving me hell but it was worth pushing myself for, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Friday, 28 June 2013

June 28

Photo of The Day: Red: Today is red nose day in Australia. Show us some red!

My favorite blanket!

I have been considering what I would like to do for July and honestly I keep hearing myself say take a break from writing and do something else instead. I am seriously tempted except that I have only a few days left until July starts and I have a dozen reviews still waiting for me over at WDC. I have been avoiding asking for help because I figured I can do them myself in the time I gave myself, which for the record was 30 days but there is no way in hell I'm going to have them done in time.

I also still have 20 of so of the 52 poems to get finished. That book I have promised myself will be ready to go by Christmas and I mean ready to distribute not just the writing done. Since I intend to self publish it I need to have the poems done no later than October so that I can concentrate on the design. I do not intend to charge for it, just to leave copies in places people might be tempted to pick it up and read it. I am thinking the first test group will be five copies only one of which I plan to send to a regular publisher. I do not expect it to be read much less published but I am going to try. At least I will know that I did it I actually wrote a book of poetry

The new photo of the day Prompts are here. I actually get two one called Photo of The Day  and one called Capture Your 365 though I've only been doing the Photo of the Day one, it is also the one I share here. I am considering photography for July if only so I can force myself to go out, I am also considering doing some catching up on scrapbook pages for my family, I am way behind.

Also as it happens Blogher's NABLOPMO theme this month is Connect with Others which is something I'm interested in. Photography is a good way to do that. So many options!

My 101 Things in 1001 days  counter says I have 348 more days to complete the current list and there are a lot of things on there I haven't even begun yet. Next time I do this I'm going to try and make it one off things not a series like the poems or the dolls.

I keep thinking there are so many things I'm responsible for, like the reviews, like the library at WDC, like helping look after my grandsons, like helping with my daughters wedding.

Other things I should be focusing on like getting my weight down to a more reasonable level, like dealing with the causes of my depression outside the chemical ones, like clearing out stuff I don't need or want anymore, like finding the money to get my animals fixed, like forming some connections in the community.

And there there are all the things I'd like to do like join Toastmasters and the theatre guild, like learning how to dance, like participating in a poetry slam, christ even just donating blood or going to the farmers market every week.

It just isn't going to happen, none of it,  unless I can get over my social phobia which probably won't happen until I lose 30 lbs or so and deal with the root causes of my depression. On top of all that I need to cope with Fibromyalgia, sore joints, painful bowels and any number of physical complaints.

Ok this turned into a bit of a rant but I guess I needed to get that stuff out of my head and written down somewhere. For the record these are just the top things in a long list of responsibilities, needs & wants. If I were to think about it I would probably be able to list more than a hundred things that come under those headings, maybe even a hundred things under each heading. Though like most people I think my want list is probably longer than my need list, though it might be pretty close.

June 27

Photo of The Day: Into the sun: Use the most beautiful light source in the world. You can shoot straight into it, or use something as a filter {a tree, a silhouette of a person…}

Ember between glass & screen

My messy desk


Wednesday, 26 June 2013

June 26

Photo of The Day: Empty: This one pretty much explains itself, so how will you show empty.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

June 25

Photo of The Day: Sharp: This could be the blade of a knife, or a corner of a building, someone in a suit – or however else you want to interpret sharp.

Monday, 24 June 2013

June 24

Photo of The Day: Negative space: Negative space is where you leave a lot of blank space in a photograph to show off the subject in your picture. This site shows some great examples.

June 23

Photo of The Day: Last: Interpret this as you please. How can you show ‘last’ in a photo?

June 22

Photo of The Day: Enjoying life: Today you have permission to go out and enjoy yourself. Do it!

Friday, 21 June 2013

June 21

Photo of The Day: Lunchtime: What does lunchtime look like for you today? Are you eating alone? With others? Out? At home? At your desk? We wanna see!

I added some photo's for the photo prompts last night, I figured all those empty posts should have something in them and since I take a lot of photos most of the prompts were easy to match though in a couple I actually borrowed images from online, things I thought would fit.

OK so if you read yesterdays post you know I have a lot of stuff to work through and that list on the first was just a list of the first comments that came into my head when I got thinking about words that I felt had affected my life in a bad way. I have noticed that we all listen more to our negative self than to our positive self, the good stuff gets buried under all that negative crap.

For myself the more I read "How To Be Your Own Therapist" the more I find myself agreeing with her. I've had a lot of "helpers" in my life that were anything but. I have yet to find one I felt "got me" as my friend Chris says. I am going to see if her practice will work for me, if it doesn't there is nothing lost, if it does it will be invaluable.

I will also be adding to the Mindfulness page today I hope and I have decided to share what I have for the Risk Calendar albeit in a agenda type way not as an actual calendar as I originally planned. Also if all goes well I will be doing a preliminary plan for the poetry infograph.

Yeah I'm trying to get back in the swing of things. Today is the longest day of the year so I'll have plenty of light to work with. This weekend I will be away so I'm not sure if I'll be writing or not but I will still post the photo prompts from Photo A Day as they are already done.


Thursday, 20 June 2013

June 20

Photo of The Day: Cute: What’s your idea of cute? A person, a cat, or something else?

My grandsons are the cutest things ever.

http://themicrogardener.com/20-creative-ways-to-upcycle-pallets-in-your-garden/
http://pinterest.com/reggieee/pallet-repurpose/
http://www.inspirationgreen.com/pallet-inspiration.html

My pallets have arrived along with half a dozen tomato plants. I need to get a few supplies & then I'll be ready to create my version of a pallet garden, I am so excited, I can hardly wait. This is one of the first images I saw of one & knew it would solve a lot of problems for me! I get to have a garden after all!


Wednesday, 19 June 2013

June 19

Photo of The Day: Currently reading: Are you in the middle of a great book? Reading a sign on the street? Or a great blog? Share.

I keep focusing on all the things I should be doing. I know they need done but everyone of them feels like just another burden right now. I mean why do I need to do anything, except of course because somewhere somehow it is expected. I have several chapter reviews to do because I donated them to an auction so I have to do them but every time I think about it or try to get started I start to feel tired again and unfocused.

I know it is a combination of fibro-fog and depression but I don't care, it doesn't matter it just is and I don't know what to do about it.

I ... want to quit everything and sleep for a week, I want to go away and never come back, I want to get off the planet forever but I am not willing to be the tool of my own dissolution. More than anything else I want the hope and energy I had at the beginning of the year to come back, I am so tired of feeling sad all the time.

And before you go all...well you don't have to be just change your thinking... let me tell you that while it is easy to say I'm here to tell you it is not easy to do.

I know where the depression is coming from and I have tried for 20 years to make it fade but it just won't, my mothers death and the year that followed is etched into my mind as something I can't possibly hope to atone for or get past. I was the person who allowed the infection to pass into my mothers bloodstream, I was the one that had sex with my father after her death to prove I wasn't anything like her, I was the one who spent a year drunk and allowed my children to get hurt, my daughter spent sometime in a coma and my son spent some time in jail, in all of that I was responsible, I helped make those things happen, I may not have been the direct cause but I was the instrument and I have to live with that. Telling me to just accept and move on or worse to put the blame somewhere else so I can feel better just doesn't work for me.

I have lots of other things I feel responsible for too and while I wasn't the person most directly involved I was the root cause, do you understand that I feel like typhoid Mary with my family, do you comprehend that the hate I feel is directed at myself and not only my actions but my inactions are just one more thing to put on the sheet that St Peter will read, I will end up in hell and it will look a lot like my life right now, what is more I accept that as inevitable because I have no clue how to alter that path. If I could make some of those thing in my past not to have happened I would but I can't and moving past them just hasn't happened and I don't think it ever will.

June 18

Photo of The Day: Street: Take a photo of a street-scape.



I really messed up this month, I have done only three or four real entries I'm stuck, I know what I want to do, I know what I planned to do but just like always when I think I'm ready to take on my psyche I fail. I bail, I focus on something else or I make myself so busy I don't do what I set out to do.

Every time I think I'm ready to face my neurosis I discover I'm not, that I can't. And yet I can't stop thinking about how this is something I need to do. I need to stop focusing on the past and move forward except that I never thought this far ahead. I figured I'd see my last day sometime between my 40th and 41st birthday. Here I am at nearly 53 and I'm still seeking a path into the future via the past

Monday, 17 June 2013

June 17

Photo of The Day: Centred: Put your subject matter in the middle of the photo. Make it front and centre!

Sunday, 16 June 2013

June 16

Photo of The Day: Family: It’s Father’s Day in some parts of the world, so share a photo of your family.
My daughter and her fiancé


June 15

Photo of The Day: From above: Stand on a chair, climb some stairs – just find a way to get high and take a photo looking down.
My neighbours garden from our balcony

Friday, 14 June 2013

June 14

Photo of The Day: Texture: The sand at a beach? The knit in your scarf? A close-up of the hair on your dog? Capture texture.
Leaf texture

Thursday, 13 June 2013

June 13

Photo of The Day: Kitchen: We all have a kitchen, so how will you take a photo to capture it. Black and white? Find a cooler kitchen to snap?

Can you say cute and compact! So sweet! I want it!


Or something really neat like this!
Coupla things to look at and think about

http://www.upworthy.com/taboo-alert-people-feel-really-awkward-if-you-bring-this-up-especially-if-you-ve-tried-it-2?c=upw1

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/06/love-accept-body/

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

June 12

Photo of The Day: 11 o’clock: At either 11am or 11pm take a photo of whatever it is you’re doing.

So much stuff in my head I hardly know where to begin
Sing a song of praise or sing a song of sin
Such choice as I have before me
Sorry don't mean to bore ye
I sit and think, and think and then I sleep and sleep
I have forgotten how to pray Lord my soul please keep
The words I write today are words I need to say
Please listen, thank you for being my friend today
I fight each day to stay the course
and weather the worst by force
Still as I sit here to write, I wonder why I need to
There really is no need to
Keep going this way
Pain and fatigue control my days, none seem to realize
I stay in this world cause I'm stubborn like that besides
I may be a drain on society, just one more poor person
For all those workers to support, I say try some immersion
In my mind and body today and then tell me
I do not have to be this way, I dare you to see
What it is like to be inside my mind for just one day
I dare you to try and live my way
I suppose if I cared to I could change my pace
But hell this is life not a race
I choose to continue because I want to see
A great grandchild or three
More than that, I am a coward, I chose to live
Killing myself is not an option I will give
My life continues slow and steady to death
I refuse to take that last breathe
By using a quick means to the end
Though the rest I won't mend
So much more to say but the words begin to fail
All of these words issued to no avail
My head is still stuffed and my eyes heavy, I must sleep
Hope you didn't feel this too deep

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

June 11

Photo of The Day: Something funny: What makes you laugh? A comic strip in the newspaper? A movie? A person?


Mugging for the Camera! I always smile when I see these two act like kids!

Monday, 10 June 2013

June 10

Photo of The Day: You!: Show us you. Be discreet if you like. Or take a selfie. Or a photo of an old photo. Anything. Just show us you.
Before I got my hair cut!

June 9

Photo of The Day: From down low: Get down low today and take a photo looking up.
My daughter filling the boys pool, she is on the balcony & the pool and I are in the back yard

Saturday, 8 June 2013

June 8

Photo of The Day: An animal: From the teeniest of insects to an animal at the zoo, find an animal and shoot it. I mean take a photo, of course!

Ember
Coco


































I was planning on cheating and just send this out with the photo of the day prompt but I couldn't do it. If you have been following you know I've been dealing with some kind of stomach bug for the past week, it has added to my usual pile of crap and made it difficult for me to share.

I was reading about something Chris wrote last December and it occured to me that I do the surface complaining thing a lot but I never really share my thoughts completely. Itis too easy to imagine you dear reader sitting there teling me to stop being a whiner and do something about it. The therapist will tell you when you are ready you will be able to share completely everything you are feeling and deal with it in a healthy constructive manner. I am sorry but that may be true for others it is not true for me. I have tried to deal with it in a healthy constructive manner and as soon as someone said something that I felt lessened my pain and feelings I stopped dealing with them. The thing is I know my perception could be off in fact I'm sure it is off from what is societty's normal but this is my normal and I feel worn out, like nothing and noone in the worls matters least of all me. We are mostly an egocentric bunch we humans and I know other people are not laughing behind my back or making jokes about me and my "supposed" mental and physical ills but still the nagging feeling is there in the back of my mind.

I dropped two sets of friends because it felt like they were using my crazy to keep themselves entertained and I am not her to be someone elses entertainment unless I am up on a stage or something. My crazy has been getting worse I know it but I am so wrapped in the spiral of bad thoughts and feelings added up to less and less interaction or even reaction to the world around me I don't see the point of trying to fix it.

I was told my reviewing of fellow writers lacks emotion, I could not tell that person it is because I lack emotion, how do you explain to someone who hasn't been there that you have your emotions locked up because all they have ever done is make problems. I have no idea how I would do that nor am I sure people need to know that. I have no one I can count on to support me in my life except my grandchildren and they are too young to put that kind of burden on them.

My sil has PTSD from his time in Iraq, and my daughter suffers from an anxiety and mood disorder the doctor refuses to name. My oldest GD suffers or appears to suffer from Anxiety and Dysthymia bot and if I am locked down emotionally she is not far behing except that she is still young enough that she has outburst which help her cope. Even my son has Dysthymia or something similar and he is on medical marjiuana to cope with some major body injuries, broken bones and stuff.

Am I expected to take that out to a therapist and say I need help when I know that even if I am helped there is nothing I can do for them? I do not talk to other people except through this medium because I do not want to see the judgment on the so called normal faces. I speak clearly and concisly here but I would rather continue to live as I am that try to make friends or get involved in anything that would involve public interaction with people who don't know me unless I can be part of a large anonymous crowd.

It is better and safer for me to remain safe in my home, go out with the professor or my daughter to do things but only if it is only us, I was supposed to go dress shopping with her and her bridesmaids I stayed home, why because of the fact that I would be in public with people my daughters age and who I don't know well though most have been in my daughters life for a long time. I was supposed to volunteer at a craft event but I called in sick just hours before hand because I did not want to go out and face a bunch of strangers even for a good cause.

This is my crazy, this is my life and I am lost within it and lost within myself too I think.

Friday, 7 June 2013

June 7

Photo Of The Day: Bright: Is it light? Is it smart? Capture bright.

Ember
My kitten, he is about 3 months old I think, maybe four, he is going to be huge when he is grown! He makes me laugh when nothing else seems to.

Today I am sharing the place where I do my Morning Papers when I remember to do them, you want to know about me and my view of the world check out Wildchild Chronicles. This is my diary so be gentle.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

June 6

Photo Of The Day: Transport: Be it a car, bike, skateboard, plane or another mode… capture transport.

Another day of being sick... I'm not sure if it is the IBS, the H Pylorii, the Lactose Intolerance or what but something has been playing havoc with my stomach and bowels. Sweet mother of Mary I wish it would stop so I could get back to this and my other responsibilities.

The question I had for today is: 6) Being fat is something to be ashamed of because the only reason you could possibly be fat is if you are a lazy person.

Define it, claim it and hope it works Ok that doesn't make a lot of sense but then neither am I right now.


Day 3: Change to Loving Responses

Ok I know this one and so should you, it's all about taking all that negative shit we tell ourselves and switch it around so that it is a positive

Don’t rush to break lifetime habits. For now, raise your self-awareness. Just become more vigilant of the things you say or do out of habit that keep you feeling low about yourself. Don’t get angry or disgusted with yourself. We all do things that aren’t in our own best interest because we’re insecure and want people to like us. Pay attention gently, lovingly, without any criticism.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

June 5

Photo Of The Day: Environment: Today is World Environment Day, take a photo of your environment. This is our charity prompt for the month.

My Environment has been the bathroom today, if my bowels settle down I'll get out and get some pictures of life outside these four walls

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

June 4

Photo Of The Day: After dark: When the sun goes down, take a photo.

Re-evaluate one long held belief each day: Poor as dirt and twice as ugly

31 Days of Self-Love 

Day 3: Change to Loving Responses

I am taking a small break today, hopefully tomorrow I will get back at it!

Monday, 3 June 2013

June 3: Post 100 yay me!

Photo Of The Day:  On my table: My problem is which table, I have one that serves as a desk, one that holds Ember's food and other things I need access to often, one that holds my craft stuff plus downstairs is a kitchen table. Do you have so many?


One of each except the kitchen table

Re-evaluate one long held belief each day:
I am worthless because I am a girl and girls can't do anything.
Where oh where does this come from? I do not know, I was raised in the 60's so maybe it had something to do with that, Even though women were allowed to vote starting in 1921 it seems the message was still women are inferior for a long time. I did some research at About.com on Canadian Goverment to find that out. 

Then I decided to look up when Canada agreed to give Equal Human Rights to women. That was in 1981 so that explains why that is so strong a belief, I was 21 when human rights were given to women. Human rights like we were  a possession before that, actually I suppose we were, that seems odd to me sitting here 30 years later having had a women Mayor in this city for most of those years.

That I was also raised in a family where abuse was accepted as the norm. Yes I am talking about sexual abuse and to a lesser extent mental and physical cruelty were passively accepted. We simply did not talk about it or think about it. It is only recently that I was made aware that my brothers and sisters were abused by the same abuser as I was, though I suppose since he went after my daughter I should have known.

Anyway that is a topic for another day. So how do I square this in my head, you know I'm not sure. Is it possible to think one thing and accept it as true while knowing that it is not true? How do you deal with a conundrum like that?

I know that this is not true for other women so it should mean that it is not true for me either and yet there are times when I blame my being born a girl for a lot of my shit.  Because I am a Girl does a lot of stuff to help the young ones learn their value, I am thinking maybe I should look into that and see if there is anything there that can help a grown ass woman to find her value as well.

Value... it comes down to knowing your own value and I just realized I have no concept of my own value as a person, it is not something I ever really applied to me. I think I need to look into learning how to value myself. 

So so far I have looked at mindfulness and personal value. Well mindfulness at least personal value comes next. Check out the Mindfulness Page. Warning it is text heavy as I am just beginning my research. Later on I may try to pretty it up with some infographs and stuff.


Look for love in the right places
Accept that being loved begins and ends with you! It’s hard to receive love if you don’t love yourself! If you want love in your life, go to the mirror RIGHT NOW and say, “I will make the effort to be more loving to you, starting today!” 

I did it, it felt odd but I did it! I think I may make this part of my morning routine, to get the day started on a positive note.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

June 2

Photo of The Day: A moment: Something that made me feel good today! I have an internet friend who lives in England and she and I talk a lot via our posts, today and yesterday she sent two messages that warmed me to the souls of my feet in response to my post yesterday!



She has a couple of blogs herself that you should check out! Life Your Way  and Totally Random Shuffle! You Go Girl !!!!!!!


Belief 1: I am clumsy and break everything I touch

The first time I was told this I was three or four, my cousin was my best friend but her step-dad was not a fan of mine at all.  I had wandered into his workshop looking for my friends bike and he was there. The bike was also there high up where I couldn't reach it. When I asked him if he would get it down so I could ride it he said no, he said that he was not going to let me play with it because I broke everything I touched. As you can imagine that had a profound effect on me.

As the years passed things kept happening that made me believe what he said was true to the point where I refused to buy anything that wasn't made out of plastic, theoretically unbreakable. Even my plates and cups were plastic. To this day I shy away from glass anything and if something needs assembled I get someone else to do it for me.

Evaluation:
Clumsiness is usually caused by rushing through something that requires a bit of time. I do that especially when it is something I really don't want to do. But my computer is not broken and I've been using one for a decade and a half. I have made delicate miniatures that lasted several years so I know I don't break everything I touch. On the other hand I still have the odd accident like spilling food on myself sometimes. This usually happens because I am not paying attention to what I'm eating. One thing I could do is to change my eating habits so that I am eating mindfully, as it happens there is a web site that specializes in this The Center For Mindful Eating which I am checking out tonight. As a matter of fact I think I will be doing a bit of reading on Mindfulness, I will share what I find out with you tomorrow.

Self Comfort & Self-Love: Day 1 Raise your Conciousness
Mindfulness will help here too, the main thing I need to remember is that Habits are those automatic responses you use to respond to situations. You have the power to hurt yourself or make yourself feel better.
I choose to make myself feel better so I will listen to my thoughts and if I catch a negative one turn it around into a positive.All I got to do is figure out how to take I am clumsy and turn it around. Any ideas?

Saturday, 1 June 2013

May Round-up



Activity Assessment : May 2013

May was about taking a photo every day. I did not do that, though most of the entries have a photo not all of them were taken in May by me, some are older than that, some were taken by my GS and some are images I found through Google Search.

Out of 31 days I have:
31 entries- 1 was late;
21 have images- 4 of which are not photos but drawings and scrapbook pages

Actually not bad all things considered!


What's Coming up?

June is the sixth month which means on June 30 we will be at the half-way point of the year. Blogher's theme of the month is Roots and their prompts centre around genealogy; who married who and how many kids they had just doesn't interest me so I have not been sure what I want this month to be about.

I decided to look up the definition of roots and found quite a few meanings. Some I knew but others were a bit of a surprise. In the end I chose two of the definitions to use this month

The first is: the essential, fundamental, or primary nature of something: your analysis strikes at the root cause of the problem
The second is: to put forth or establish a root and begin to grow. Since I got back last October I have been keeping to myself but I think it is time to reach out and begin to grow and thrive again.

This blog is about Creative Indulgences, the reason is because I know how to do a lot of different things to express myself creatively,  this month I intend to use several of them to first establish why I have chosen the lifestyle I have and then to help me alter it to a healthier one.

I will be using lots of different websites and books to guide me through this process starting with a very important e-book I have called "How To Be Your Own Therapist"

Also High Existence has a 30 Challenges in 30 Days list, I will be using a few of them to help me on my way as well

1) Re-evaluate one long held belief each day
2) Take a moment each day to practice self compassion and self-love
3) Inspire yourself each day

Hope you will join me!

June 1

Photo of The Day: B is for…: Bride  and  Boat!
My darling daughter is getting married in June of 2014 on a boat! We finalized the venue yesterday. Here in a picture of my daughter in her first wedding dress (we changed it cause she didn't like the way it looked, I thought she looked great!) and a promo picture of the boat cause I forgot to take my camera with me yesterday.



Re-evaluate one long held belief each day: Because this is the first day I figured I'd start with a list of my longest held beliefs about myself. Since negatives are the easiest things to find most of these will be negatives I'm sure.

1) I am clumsy and break everything I touch
2) I am worthless because I am a girl and girls can't do anything.
3) Poor as dirt and twice as ugly
4) No one is nice just to be nice, they always want something in return
5) Your family are the only people you can trust to have your back
6) Being fat is something to be ashamed of because the only reason you could possibly be fat is if you are a lazy person
7) If you can't eat off your floors your house isn't clean
8) Don't complain, you have a roof over your head, food to eat and clothes to wear that is more than a lot of other people have.
9) What happens at home stays at home, we don't air our dirty laundry in public
10) You should have a job, there is no excuse for not working except laziness
11) My depression makes it impossible for me to have any kind of life outside my own four walls
12) The world is a dangerous place and I am safer here.
13) I can't do anything right
14) No one would miss me if I were gone.
15) I am beyond all human and spiritual help, I will end my days as this broken person and I can't do anything about it.

I’m such a loser. I can’t get it together. I’m always caving and binging and shooting myself in the foot. I start out OK and then in no time everything falls apart. I’m so ashamed of the way I look and live. This is all my fault. I feel hopeless.” 

Hows that for a list of negativity? Some of them are in third person because that is the way I hear them in my head my guess is that sometime in my life someone said those things to me.

There are two other things on my list to discuss in these posts but I am beginning to wonder if dealing with this one just might take a lot more of me that I expected.

Take a moment each day to practice self compassion and self-love: 

Self-compassion means treating oneself with kindness and support when things don’t go well.

I have made mistakes, but they are not the end of the world, I can and will do better in the future.

Reference:WebMD

“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days.”

signed: Cheryl Marois


Welcome to my take on Roots!